My truth is that regardless of my past, today, I’m a soldier, a warrior.
Let’s start with a story.
My parents were severe narcissistic, they were unable to express their own emotions to one another without defaulting to patterns they learned from their parents. They were terrible communicators and always blaming each other. As a child my need to attach to my parents came in the form of making sure their emotions are regulated and there was no space to express my own. In fact when I did, they were dismissed because of the storylines they knew. If I cried, they would tell me to stop – if I was scared they were fighting – they were not responsive because they were in their own world. To cut It short, I had to grow up quickly. Anxious, avoidant and scared to trust myself or the world because I did not see safety or have my own sovereignty. And I surely did not understand what self love or self care looked like.
I learned avoiding conflict and repressing my emotions were the best form of survival and wouldn’t get my parental figures upset, I could still receive the one thing I really want, to feel attached to them. This came out in my romantic relationships later on. I would avoid confrontation and never speak my truth, my boundaries or my emotions. it led to resentment, isolation and feeling unworthy because my past taught me to avoid my emotions. Wanting to be perfect and do the right thing for the love, I would pretend to be someone I’m not, to make sure I am loved.
This is just a story told to me, its not my truth.
I made the choice to create a safe and peaceful mind and body so that my heart can express itself and I can be my true self. You can choose to:
- Build something for you instead of following a normal
- Invest love in yourself instead of seeking outside validation
- Be considerate and kind to yourself instead of a bully
- Value yourself instead of putting yourself down